Rape
in Nigeria didn’t start with Bosula Dakola- there have been daily reports of
this cringe worthy act on a daily basis. Rape of minors, poor and helpless
women daily plaster the pages of newspapers and blogs. But Busola’s story has
given voice to these cases that we have grown agreeable to, ignoring, dismissing
or shouting about it, but for only a short while. But don’t get too excited,
for Nigeria’s outrage has a very short lifespan. I won’t be surprised if the
outrage dies a natural death just the same way the aeroplane conversation
involving brother Wole Soyinka took the aisle seat so that Busola’s outrage
could occupy the window seat of our social media attention.
This
Busola-Fatoyinbo rape story has got me thinking about the way we handle women
in Nigeria. My editor will strike the word ‘handle’ and replace it with the
word ‘treat’. She will argue that handle is a word that presupposes and encourages
women subjugation. But in this case, I will probably win the argument for which
word should stay in my essay. Women in Nigeria are not treated fairly, I would
argue. They are therefore handled in worse ways than how most of us would hold
our fragile china. Unlike the western
culture, which we ape ceaselessly but end up with a bad imitation each time,
the culture of chivalry makes the man to stoop to conquer (chivalry is another
word Bukola would gladly strike out, it makes dolls of women, she would say). Nigerian
men do not stoop or understand the meaning of stooping to conquer (Oliver
Goldsmith will be turning somewhere). It seems the kingdom of konji suffereth
violence, and Nigerian men taketh it by force. Date rape. Marital rape, Gang rape. And the most unthinkable on the list, but increasingly
reported by the day, the rape of minors.
On
social media, the responses by some men (I am trying hard not to call them morons)
to this floodgate of accusations shows that this is a generational problem that
has no intention of leaving us any time soon.
So
I will like to quickly ask, is rape part of our culture?
First
we have to revisit how we raise our children, and by this, the male child. Any Tom,
Dick and Harry (not mine) thinks that when he pursues a girl and the girl is
proving too hard to get that she is probably acting the opposite. Like when she says she doesn’t want something
that she’s exactly saying the opposite of what she wants. This dangerously
passed on idea has become one of the most popular tips on wooing a girl. I looked
into the good books of my religion, and Things
Fall Apart has a song about how a girl says no when you ask her out, but
when you put your hand across her waist, she pretends not to notice (I think I once
tried this and she broke that hand, and it is yet to heal sufficiently).
As
I noted earlier, it is a good thing that rape victims are speaking out, even
though one old writer recently called a middleclass conspiracy, because the
cases of the poor, everyday victim had been far too ignored. But in ten to
fifteen years from now, if we want a saner society, one where my daughters won’t
have to fear spending time out with friends or walking home alone, then we have
to start teaching our boys to learn to respect when a girl says No. We have to
teach them that this No is the most important No they should pay attention to
in life. And this is not going to be the death of romance.
We
have to tell them that dressing indecently is not a call for sexual assault. That
meeting her in the elevator alone is not a cause to rape her. That spending a
night in your room is not a call to rape her. That we as men should be held to
a higher code than animals in the jungle (this would be seen as insults by some
well-behaved animals).
We
have to tell them that it is normal for a lady to mean it when she says that
she doesn’t want to date you, no matter how muscular, rich or handsome you may
be. We have to let them know that even when a lady is dating you, it is rape if
you take it when she isn’t willing or ready to give you.
One
damage we have done to the male child is to let him grow up with no rules and regulations. We unleash him unto
the society and women like it’s open season. The bandied idea that he’s not a
man yet if he has not sowed his wild oats on every girl that catches his fancy
is wrong. So we see little boys yet to buy their first boxers trying to sow
their wild oats.
We
can remake this culture, if at all it is our culture.
I
know by the time Bukola picks this for her regular forensics on my grammar, sentence
structure, she will accuse me of trying to recuse myself from the flood of
accusations that will come at me after the women that were forced to receive
brother Biodun’s holy sperm are done with him. This is not my confession, I assure
you all. But I wish I knew most of these things before now. At least, for the
sake of that hand that I put across that girl’s waist.
